Mental Illness (Mental Wellness)

Oh how I want a good cry in the lap of my love one whilst getting heading pets but I can't have either at this time sadly

I was diagnosed with Autism (which is ASD nowadays) when I was about 21. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was about 25.

When I was in high school, that's when my doctor experimented with different combinations of meds on me. At one point, I was hallucinating so bad, I didn't want to sleep because I would wake up in the middle of the night and and actually think that a winged being was scratching at my back.

The movie by Kim ki duk called amen was therapy. I watched his movies in 2012 or something. He has a bunch of movies I haven't seen. Rip he died December 2020. I'm into voidpunk and that's the most voidpunk movie I've seen.

Most people have concrete brains and mine is plastic. But I'm getting better and back to normal. Well not depressed, I'm not normal lol

As a narcissist I think life would be easier if I didn't have to keep up with others hearts. My whole life for the past 5 years was just me learning anything I could to keep up with others hearts. The heart produces such beauty. But, for some reason mine never developed properly. So, I'm left as a obsessed admirer of the grandest of dances. In my face over and over I get to watch and understand that many dance so beautifully but no matter how much I teach myself invigorated by such blinding beauty I can't seem to dance the same dance. I live fully encompassed by such unnerving & offensive horror. That such a dance may not be meant for me. But, it's to late as I'm already on the floor entangled in the many dances of life. I dare not dance my dance. It is but a crude rendition of the beauty I've witnessed. Nevertheless, I try to copy the moves to make myself appear more beautiful than I am. Desperately trying to hide the fact that I am not beautiful enough to even be on this floor. Forced to ceaselessly play a game before every dance between myself and illusions to discover the best moves to perform when the music starts. But, dejected I am at how the game crumbles upon having to match a beat. In no time I'm out of moves with no signal from my heart. Cursed to endlessly chase after my expected place in the dance with full knowledge I can't match it. But, I mustn't stop dancing even if I'm tired less they realize how much I can miss the beat. So I broaden my moves everyday horrifyingly anticipating the speed and the precious nature of the beats to come. I still miss my que and the beat has long since pasted me while I'm still struggling to answer it with a move. Haunted by the echo's of my mistakes. I ponder will I ever know the sweetness of preparedness less I delude myself into a thoughtlessly bold march towards the floor to find what could lie beyond the idea of failure. It is already a barren & dispirited march from the lack of successes. So, forgive me Father. Forgive me Lord for just helplessly watching as my place becomes more and more vacant of attempts. The heart being adequately functional is a very necessary requirement to perform the dance well. How my mind craves to be witness to the speed love enables. How my heart yearns to welcome the sounds unfrightened.