:3 Maybe i can help you with your relationship probs?

Wow. After reading a few posts from some people in this thread, I never thought I'd see the day when I'd find so many people I could relate to. For the past 2 years I have isolated myself from my real life friends. I didn't exactly understand why I began to do this at first but over time things became clear. None of my real life friends can relate to me much. I live in a pretty bad neighborhood and most people here are extremely ratchet and ghetto, this otaku culture doesn't exactly conside well with them. I always had to conceal this past of me and keep it to myself. Things only got worst when I met my first love in 2010. Everything seemed to have been perfect, we even made it to 2 years together with, of course, plenty ups and downs along the way. But it was at this point where things began to take a turn for the worse. I tried my best to be the most caring and best boyfriend I could be, whenever she needed someone to be there I made damn sure well I was there. She had her own set of disorders and problems that usually had me running to her house in a dangerous neighborhood at a very concerning time of night just to prevent her from taking her own life. When she was forced to get admitted to the psych ward in the hospital, I visited her every single day and went to school like a serial killer because of the emotional trauma. When she got out I did everything to make her feel like everyday was worth living, I took her out to many dates, the movies, dinner and etc. I even went as far as to try and literally make her dreams come true. She had a dream where she wished she could have had an experience like back in the 50's and eat at a classic old fashioned diner. I went ahead and did research and found a restaurant that basically did just that, once you walked in it felt like a blast to the past as everything looked straight out of 50's movie. I had spent over 1k on her that day, and when we left the restaurant, it even began to rain and I gave her my coat, it felt like a cliche scene from a romance movie, everything felt perfect. Unfortunately the happiness didn't last very long before things began to take a turn for the worst. It was long before I began to develop trust issues due to her suspicious behavior which lead me to find out that she had sexually cheated on me with my best friend. At this point I felt like my life shattered. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. But like an idiot, I decided to forgive her and move on. Things got back on tract for a while but that was only an illusion because it didn't take long for history to repeat itself. once again I had discovered she had cheated on me and at this point any sane person would have called it quits. Unfortunately some demon decided to posses me at the time and I decided to give her a SECOND CHANCE. You heard it here folks, a second chance. At this point my trust issues were dangerously bad. It was at this point I even began to shut myself from family and friends just because I was focusing so hard on making us work. After a while I had come to the decision It was time to do something about where I was in life. The fact that she now, for the third time, cheated on me once more pretty much set the stones in motion for how broken I've become. It's been years since that experience but I still can't find myself to trust people. I have pushed anyone who has ever tried to be my friend or something more away because of nonstop anxiety and fear of betrayal. It's come to a point where I even find myself crying at night and even reminiscing simpler times when I glance over at the deep never expiring scars that plague my arms. I'm not a guy that asks for much, I'm the guy who loves to put a smile on people's face, it seems to be one of the only ways I find myself being truly happy anymore. I'm not here looking for love, I have long since given that idea up but just mostly for people who can help me alleviate this emptiness I feel everyday. I love anime and just Japanese culture in general and I haven't been able to meet a single soul in real life whom shares my passions. I'm hoping this place could be the solution to that. I'm sorry for such a long post, I just felt very comfortable for once and simply wanted to share.

sorry TLDR it buffer wars today hehehehhe. @Gamer - Thanks for clarifying some background. Sometimes childhood friends can cut the deepest because they know you so well and there is usually a deep bond which explains why it hits you harder. It sounds like this girl is not much of a catch possibly. Jealousy is an emotion that can lead to bad places but sometimes good ones too if it is kept in balance. Sometimes it is used as a tool to push people into a sense of urgency, desperate for the other to react or to test their convictions. It's not a very nice tool but nature gave it to us none the less. It is also not always a conscious thing when people do it. She may have a lot of insecurities of her own to work through, I am guessing since I don't know her. She may have been wanting you to take the lead and was goading you into pushing back in some manner, hard to say. You are no good for each other in any case for now as-is, there is self-work to be done. However I can confidently say this for you...Fuck that bro! You are a human being with needs and you deserve(not entitled there is a difference) to be loved. The catch-22 is you have to be willing to accept it and love yourself first before it will come to you very much from others and you can learn how, it's never too late or impossible. If you keep telling yourself every day you are not worthy of love then that is the course you will chart in life and others will pick up on it and may unconsciously act accordingly guaranteeing it. No one will give you anything of value (love in this case) because you believe you are unworthy even though you want it and need it and may try to do good things to earn it. My father left when I was 5 and it gave me lots of trouble growing up. When I did get a step-father he wanted little to do with me and was a very negative and an intimidating person (porcupine personality) to push others away. Every day, every hour it was: You can't do x, you will fail so don't even try it's a waste, you are not good enough, smart enough, etc.. He was such a negative man if he was forced to have to say something positive he would do it with a double negative out of spite. That was the way he was programmed growing up and passed that bad programming on to me. It took work to deprogram it but once you get a taste of the really good things in life you will become driven to keep going. The trick is making it through those first hard initial steps. You are not an insect but may have become conditioned to think so and I don't agree with it. I hope you reconsider and dig inside to find your value because it's in there if you look hard enough; we all have value even if we don't want to believe it sometimes. It is a deep hole to dig oneself out of on their own but if you want it badly enough you really should go for it and never submit to despair even if you fail sometimes. There is no real shame to be had if you can not do it alone as very few can and getting help from an impartial mentor or a counselor can be immensely helpful to find your solutions. The only shame there could be is you not reaching for higher ground and seeing how far your potential takes you when actualized and the world never getting to know how awesome you can be as well. You have value even if it's only as a human being right now. Once you see your value, nurture it, and show it proudly without arrogance, few will be able to ignore you and see it too. People will come to naturally invest value in you because they will see what you see: That you are indeed worth it and can receive it and care for their invested value with mutual respect. One of my mentors and former boss used to piss me off(jealousy) and I still worshiped him. He was in his mid 30s at the time(10yrs my senior), beer-gut, messy clothes, balding, missing and stained teeth, crass and crude but funny humor. We watched that bastard get more sales, contracts, good friends, and more ass than a toilet seat from nova-hot babes and he made little money and lived in a dirty studio downtown. He took pride in being 'ghetto' as he laughed about it. He was so happy and positive it drew people to him like moths to flame. He told me his success was because of his attitude and was not afraid to succeed and could reveal his true self to anyone without shame or hesitation. He loved himself as a person and valued himself and did not let others discount him. He said every morning when he woke up and looked in the mirror he told himself 'Morning you sexy devil, it's time to go rule the world again for another day.' then he would look outside and tell the world 'Good morning world, just try and knock me down today, I fucking dare ya' you pussy.' He came from a very abusive home growing up in a world of hard drugs and alcoholism and refused to be programmed with the cards dealt to him that made him suffer. That man was a trip I wish he still lived in town. He used a technique called self-affirmation to heal his wounds. Growing up every day hearing negatives held him down instead he would spend each day reminding himself he was a person of value, he could make it, he was worthy of it. When it came to approaching women he used the salesman's credo: If you don't ask the answer is always no and there are endless customers waiting to be asked. I think you and Blvck have some common challenges but different situations. If you live in NYC there are tons of resources for guidance and some are free minus your time and travel. In Blvck's case his partner has genuine mental issues and they are dangerous to be with if he is not solid himself. It is easy to get sucked into a co-dependent relationship and get abused in the process. Her cheating is because a need is not being met no matter how many dinners or gifts he buys her. It is not what she wants so she is rejecting it but co-dependent with him so it's the back and forth between multiple people to get what she needs like going shopping in a mall because there is no one stop shop in her world. That is partly her problem but Blvck is inadvertently enabling it because he is not taking care of his needs and instead trying to take care of hers for her which she may find insulting I might add. If he learns to be as assertive taking care of himself like he is her he will have an easier time. You guys might be close to the same age and live around NYC maybe you guys could get help together and later wing-man for each other and make friends and meet good girls. Do not give up on love until you are healthy with it and try to explore it with healthy partners before writing it all off.

After my girlfriend broke up with me I've been shutting myself in. It's my own doing but, I really loved her and the process of getting over it is way harder than I thought it would be. I get depressed and feel like i have nothing but I kind of am determined to find someone new and make them feel needed and wanted, and to have someone to care about. It may be selfish but, I want someone I can call my own and feel what I did with Olivia. Being able to look at them and just think to yourself, wow I'm so in love with this person, or fall in love with every tiny detail about them. One day I wasn't feeling so great and she sent me a list she made in her Notes saying Reasons I love John, and it was just a list of small things about me that she liked. My goofy laugh, my voice when I was tired, etc. Since then, I haven't been able to delete her pictures or our old texts. I have a bunch of screenshotted texts that I'd use to make me feel better when I was sad, but now I go and look at them to just try and feel what I felt while I was with her. The one that struck a cord inside me was when she said one day that she was so scared I would leave one day and that she wanted a home with me, because the house she'd been living in had been messed up her whole life and that home is where your loved ones are. We are young but I think anyone in my position would know it's love, and that I wanted a future with her more than anything. I'm sorry for this sappy rant, but I don't want to let myself be alone to duel with unpleasant thoughts. If anyone does read this, I want to be friends with everyone, and I'll support anyone any way they need it. I just don't want to be alone.