A Mask to Behold

Preface: On 3, 1am, 2am, 3am GO “I'll see you later, bro.” “Yeah. Goodnight, dude.” “Hopefully everything goes well for him tomorrow.” “Yeah, I hope so. We'll see. See you tomorrow dude.” “Yeah.” And he logs off. It was pretty late. How late? About three in the morning late. The conversation started off rather strange. We were talking about relationships. Love. Loss. And then that escalated to religion. Then to just more of our own hardships. This all spurred by one of our friends being bummed about something. I guess that just got us thinking about the state of our own lives and all that nice stuff. Wouldn't be the first time I talked about this with this guy. Probably the third time. But anyways, he's gone. And I'm sitting here. Everyone talks about how depressed they are. How they need to sit and think. And some stuff happened that might really bum them out for the whole week or something. As a friend, I tell them that I'll be there for them. I don't know if they would ever offer the same gesture, I'd like to think that they would. But the times where I've needed them, I feel that maybe they weren't there as much as I would've been there for them. I don't know. Maybe I'm being melodramatic. That's probably it. I'm just blowing things out of proportion, and I'm being an insensitive jerk that demands too much of my friends. Maybe. But is it wrong for me to never talk about the stuff that really and truly bums me out? I hardly ever talk about it to them. And if I do, it's never to the lot of them. It's to like one person when we're alone. Most of the time, they don't have much to offer in terms of advice or help. They're just to listen. And I'm glad they are. But it's a rare occurrence for me to do this. Like really rare. Contrary to what some of the people I know think. I'm a human being. I have feelings. I have times doubt, despair, and all those lovely little damned emotions that seem to foil all the other good ones. I deal with depression. I deal with mood swings. And sometimes I deal with really bad thoughts – but those have subsided as of late, awesome! Bottom line, I deal with this stuff. And I know other people do as well. And they talk about it a lot. Some might even use it as an excuse. But I don't talk about mine. Why is that? I don't know the answer to that myself. I ask myself a lot of questions about myself. Things that I should be able to answer myself because they're about...well...myself. But most of the time the answers really are just me justifying what I'm doing that may seem questionable, and when I think about it, it really doesn't sound all that great. Why is it I keep quiet about all of my problems? Even to my family and some of my closest friends. They don't know anything about me. Well, unless they're reading this of course. Then I guess they do know. But why do I keep it secret? You're probably wondering, “Why are you writing about this? Seems to me you're not keeping it really secret anymore, huh?” You're right. It's because it's 4 in the morning now and I've got nothing better to do. I guess maybe because if I don't tell someone I might feel cooped up inside of my own thoughts, and just blow up because of thought overload. Is that possible? I'm pretty sure it is. No? Okay. But on a more serious note, the reason I might not vent to people or seek shoulders to cry on is because I just feel distant from everyone. There isn't that one person I feel truly connected with. No, I don't mean my soul mate, my one and only, my true love. I just mean someone I can really trust. Someone that understands me on a deeper scale then “I know whatchuu mean, man.” I just want that one person I can talk to and they instantly click with me. That friend that has a bond with you unlike any other. If that ends up being a bond in the romantic sense, well fine. But it doesn't need to be. I just want a friend I can be real with. Is that so hard to ask? Maybe I'm being impractical. Unrealistic. I'm pretty sure someone's saying that right now. “You're just not letting yourself connect with the people you already have,” or “I bet you have awesome friends and you're throwing them aside like nothing.” It probably does sound like that huh. I don't connect with the people I already have. And they are awesome, but I feel I can't truly open to them. I put on this layer of me that isn't me during other times. At those times, I just put on another layer of me that isn't me. Everyone in this world has a mask for all occasions. You act differently with your friends than you do with your family. You behave differently when you're at home than when you're at work or school. When you're at a party, you don't act like that when you're at a funeral. You adopt different personas, different behaviors, different masks depending on the situation. You can't help it. But everyone knows how they are when they're by themselves. It's during that moment of deepest despair, or the highest joy. You're you as you want to be. The you that really wants to let go and just be in that moment. And since you're alone, it doesn't really matter if you do something 'embarrassing' because no one's around to witness you 'embarrassing' yourself. It's all okay. What do you call that mask you might ask. I wouldn't call it a mask. I'd call it the face behind the mask. And my face is one if tears, pain, sorrow. But also one of hope and wonder. The climb, some call it. You might know it as the struggle. Yeah, the struggle is real my friends. Through all the tears, blood, sweat, pain, and despair. I still try to keep going. The friend I want, the true friend I imagine for myself...is the one that that's willing to look at my true face and help me wipe off all the dirt. All the tears, blood, pain, and sorrow – the dirt. All of it. Knowing full well that I might end up hurting them in the process, and taking that knowledge and still being there to help me wipe it all off. And I'd gladly do it for them too. A person where I can struggle together with. A partner to climb the highest mountain. A brother or sister to dive into the deepest depths. To run the longest mile with. And in the end, we will always be there for each other no matter what happened along the way. Now that I think about it...this really is kinda impractical. Or just maybe too grandiose. What do you guys think? Nevermind. Don't answer that. I wonder how it would be if I met that person tomorrow though...

It's always the same thing every holiday season. Well, not really. Not always. Last year I was recovering from a surgery for something that could have killed me if it were any later. But that's a story for some other day. This season I was normal. Well, as normal as I could be anyway. Didn't have a significant other to spend it with, anyone that close was either busy or just plain didn't want to. My family is there, they always are. But it's be refreshing to a change this holiday season. I don't know, maybe I'm just being a little ungrateful. I got invited out by my sister's family to go see some Christmas lights out of town. I had nothing better to do, so why shouldn't I go with them? I bundled up for the not-really-cold-but-cold-to-us weather and we all packed in to the little Honda Pilot they owned. A nice and cozy fit, and they had a DVD player in it too. Too bad it was mainly at the beck and call of my youngest niece, who watches what a lot of little girls her age, 5, watch. I didn't mind it, or more like I didn't watch it. This is why people have smartphones now. I was fumbling about on the internet and various video sites and entertained myself with Holiday related videos. With the videos distracting me and making time fly by faster somehow, we arrived at our destination before we knew it. The sky was nice and dark now, and the Christmas lights did a brilliant job at illuminating the entire place. And making everything look rather pretty and interesting. It was pretty crowded, very crowded. Oh my god it was so crowded. The hustle and bustle of the holiday season at its finest. Families gathering around for photos here and there. Lovers showing off their little PDAs all over the place. Friends being friends all over the place. My sister, my brother-in-law, and my three nieces were all taking photos of each other and stuff. It was a really nice and warm atmosphere. I could tell everyone put on their happy masks before they got here. Festivities everywhere and the smell of food filled the air. Chestnuts, funnel cakes, s'mores, kettle corn, all that fancy stuff. And then there were these things I have never heard before. Otter Tails. From the description I just thought it was like a funnel cake but with cinnamon and stuff. I didn't really care, but it did smell nice. I didn't know we were going walk a trail filled with pretty Christmas lights. As my family walked and gawked at the fascinating lights, I trailed behind and just took in everything rather slowly. I'm pretty sure I looked like some lonely guy who came here by himself to the people who passed me up. And I agree with them. I came here with my family and I still felt somewhat detached and alone. Depressing, huh? Yeah, it sucks. But the lights were so pretty, though! I eventually caught up with my family. My nieces and sister were roasting marshmallows by a huge fire and my brother-in-law was getting drinks. My oldest niece, Kay, offered me a stick with a marshmallow on it. Of course I took it, because I like this kind of thing. I sat down next to Kay and held the stick out to the massive fire. There were a bunch of other people doing the same thing. A lot of them were kinda failing at it. Burning the marshmallow, even dropping the marshmallow into the fire. How they did that, I do not know. It was funny watching some people's marshmallow catch on fire and they frantically flail their stick around to salvage the soft, white pillowy clouds from inferno. I didn't mess mine up, so I was able to have a delicious little s'more. Well, at least I was going to. Sitting next to me was a little girl, all bundled up and adorable. Her marshmallow had melted off and fell into the fire. I looked around to see if her parents were around, but I couldn't see anyone. I felt sorry for her, so I just gave her mine. She was happy for it. I smiled at her and stood up, and walked around a bit. I saw my sister and brother-in-law talking and watching a light show of the popular “Twelve Days of Christmas” song. It was nice. I felt all warm inside, having done a good deed and all. And the overall feel of the atmosphere was comforting. It still didn't help my case though. I still felt kinda alone. I sat down on a bench and watched everyone. I didn't know what was nagging at me so much. It's the holidays. I should be happy and festive. Not lonely and melancholy. A sigh escaped me and turned my head to look in front of me, expecting to see what I saw in front of me earlier – a tall nutcracker made of lights. Instead I see a person standing right in front of me. It wasn't just them standing in front of me with their back turned. They were staring at me and I felt like I needed to call for help or something. I just see this woman looking down at me. Her brows were furrowed together, and she looked like she was gonna murder me. She towered over me, and it wasn't because I was sitting down. If I stood up, I'm sure this woman would've had at least half a foot over me. And judging by the way she looked, I'm pretty sure she could outlast me in a fight. I was legitimately scared, but I wasn't gonna just sit there and be quiet. “Hello?” I said awkwardly, my voice kinda faded. “Yeah, hi,” the woman said. Her voice was deep, but not deep enough to confuse it with a man's voice. It was kinda alluring in a way. “...Can...I help you?” “Yeah, you sure can,” the woman nudged someone who was hiding behind her. Whoever it was stepped out from behind her and greeted me a very grateful, and familiar, smile. “Hi mister. Thank you for giving me your s'more,” it was the girl from earlier. You know the one who accidentally condemned a poor innocent marshmallow. “I was getting drinks and when I came back I saw you give my sister your s'more. She didn't thank you, so here we are,” said the woman. Her face wasn't so menacing anymore. It was more relaxed, but still pretty fiery looking. “Oh...uhm...you're welcome. It's really no big deal,” I said, relaxing a bit. I could see Kay and my other nieces watching me from a distance. Kay and my sister were staring all wide-eyed and stupid looking. Oh my god, help me you idiots. “That's why we're thanking you. You didn't have to do it, it was just a s'more. But you did it anyway,” the woman said, taking a seat next to me. She pulled her little sister onto her lap. From the looks of it, the little girl was probably around like 6 or so. And her older sister probably...in her 20s or something. “Well...You're welcome,” I was fidgeting. Strangers sit next to me, and we're making conversation. Who wouldn't? “Yeah...well...hey I've got a question. Why are you here alone?” the woman asked. Yep, I told you so. I shook my head and pointed to my family. I waved slightly to them, they waved back, “I'm not. I'm here with them.” “Oh. Are those your sisters?” she was referring to my nieces. “Oh no, they're my nieces. They're like sisters to me, though.” The little girl got off of the woman's lap and started to run around and stuff. Probably to go look at all the lights. Cute kid. “My bad, sorry. They're a cute little trio. Is that your sister?” she pointed to my sister. God forbid she point at my brother-in-law and ask that. “Yeah. My older sister.” “Cool. What about your parents?” “They're at home. They worked last night, so they were really tired and wanted to rest.” “Oh, I see. Oh right, my name's Sylvia,” she said, offering a hand to the side. Presumably to shake mine. “Suri,” I shake hers. She has a pretty firm grip. I still can't get over this. I'm still very nervous. Sure, I'm not as shy as I used to be as a kid, but this is just awkward. When we let go, she smiles at me and then looks back to her sister. Her sister was waving to a Christmas light snow man that was waving to all passersby. “That's Beatrice. I call her B,” she points at the cute little girl, the smile on her face widening as she watches the girl have fun. I look over to where my sister and nieces were, but they weren't there anymore. At that point I received a text message on my phone. I checked it, and it was Kay. She texted me: "We went on ahead, we're gonna be at the skating place. Have fuuuuun. :3" A goofy smile on my face and I chuckled a bit. That's when I felt someone's arm press up against mine. I looked to see what it was and it was Sylvia staring at my phone. When she saw what Kay texted me, she laughed and stood up. “Well, why don't we then?” she said to me, looking down at me. I didn't know what to say. I sorta just looked back at her and blinked. Without really thinking about it, I stood up and nodded. “C'mon B!” she shouted, and the little Beatrice came scurrying over. Sylvia knelt down and whispered something into B's hand. B nodded and smiled. Sylvia held B's hand and smiled. I smiled, happy to see two sisters close. I poised myself to follow them, but they didn't start walking. Instead, B looked at me and offered me her other hand, which was covered with a cute little red and green mitten. “So we don't get lost!” she said, in that adorable little girl voice of hers. Sylvia laughed and so did I. I reached out and took her hand. Then we started walking. Needless to say, that night was pretty fun. I can truly say that, for once, I didn't feel alone.