More questions: 1. What kind of noodles are your favorite? 2. Do you have a favorite accent? 3. Which of your friends(in general) is from the furthest away from you? (Like living in Cali you have a friend all the way in Gajurat, India) 4. Have you ever made your own soap? 5. If you were walking in the woods and came across a black bear, what would you do?

For the first time I had a dream I was drafted into war. I was sent on the front lines to attack a fortified city somewhere in eastern Europe. I carried a single shot rifle onto battle. Instead of attacking the defenses in the city from the front I followed some people around to the side to flank and get a better angle at their fortified positions. They didn't know they were being flanked yet and I shot them one after another. The people attacking from the front were dying trying to take the high ground. My heart was racing but I just kept shooting. The battle was over in about 30 minutes after I arrived. I picked up a shotgun and another rifle to carry back to base. We took a small monorail tram back out of the city. There was a blonde haired soldier sitting next to me and her face was dirty. She was quiet. I told her this was my first battle and I killed 11 people and asked how many battles has she been in. She said she stopped counting at 12 and she laughed a weird laugh and became silent again. I remember feeling after the first battle I was at my limit and I hated everything about war.

ascs

I thought I was doing the right thing by seeing myself as the proportionate amount of evil I deserved to be viewed as. But, that doesn't work well when you had a problem seeing yourself in a good light in the first place. You can't keep taking all the bad you've done and holding your image hostage with it. To the point bad is all your image consists off. I do both good and bad but I never acknowledged when I do good because I deny that image. And, been denying it for the longest. To the point of losing touch with my good side. It has always been there I just fail to accept it. Because I was to busy keeping my image a hostage to what I felt it deserved. I felt I didn't deserve to view myself as good. Because I was to dangerous. But, I'm easing off now. I lived with a self hostile image for a long time in order to warrant a continuous thorough search. I cared so much about the bad in me I lost track of the good. Because I felt it would get in the way of me getting down deep enough to the roots of my evil if I accepted any of it. Problem is this shit hurts when you forget the light of good. It's unbearable. Which lead me to reunderstand myself again today when looking for a escape from the pain of my own prison. Fuck that shit was hard. I made the prison for a reason but damn If I wasn't perplexed how to get out. Turns out I just had to really want to give up on the search long enough to re accept I have good in me. I needed this break from being so ugly bad.