For the first time I had a dream I was drafted into war. I was sent on the front lines to attack a fortified city somewhere in eastern Europe. I carried a single shot rifle onto battle. Instead of attacking the defenses in the city from the front I followed some people around to the side to flank and get a better angle at their fortified positions. They didn't know they were being flanked yet and I shot them one after another. The people attacking from the front were dying trying to take the high ground. My heart was racing but I just kept shooting. The battle was over in about 30 minutes after I arrived. I picked up a shotgun and another rifle to carry back to base. We took a small monorail tram back out of the city. There was a blonde haired soldier sitting next to me and her face was dirty. She was quiet. I told her this was my first battle and I killed 11 people and asked how many battles has she been in. She said she stopped counting at 12 and she laughed a weird laugh and became silent again. I remember feeling after the first battle I was at my limit and I hated everything about war.

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I thought I was doing the right thing by seeing myself as the proportionate amount of evil I deserved to be viewed as. But, that doesn't work well when you had a problem seeing yourself in a good light in the first place. You can't keep taking all the bad you've done and holding your image hostage with it. To the point bad is all your image consists off. I do both good and bad but I never acknowledged when I do good because I deny that image. And, been denying it for the longest. To the point of losing touch with my good side. It has always been there I just fail to accept it. Because I was to busy keeping my image a hostage to what I felt it deserved. I felt I didn't deserve to view myself as good. Because I was to dangerous. But, I'm easing off now. I lived with a self hostile image for a long time in order to warrant a continuous thorough search. I cared so much about the bad in me I lost track of the good. Because I felt it would get in the way of me getting down deep enough to the roots of my evil if I accepted any of it. Problem is this shit hurts when you forget the light of good. It's unbearable. Which lead me to reunderstand myself again today when looking for a escape from the pain of my own prison. Fuck that shit was hard. I made the prison for a reason but damn If I wasn't perplexed how to get out. Turns out I just had to really want to give up on the search long enough to re accept I have good in me. I needed this break from being so ugly bad.

@snakee_dubs From my experience you got to start loving yourself like immediately. I'm suffering the after effects of such abysmal thought habits. I think my mind state has accelerated into a runaway. I can't believe I allowed my mind to fail at producing positive thoughts now I have to drown in more absurdities than I can counteract. You can literally be there for yourself right now. Play the healer more than you play the hater in your mind. Put some hours in on that healer class I think it's worth it. Just switch classes bro don't log out. Don't play your main. That shit wack. Big Buffs all the way :) We make the fights harder when we constantly debuff ourselves. You get me? Me personally I haven't logged many hours on my healer. But, trying to come up with something to lift you spirits I see I should also ignore my main. I normally am okay believing I don't deserve anything only because my father & my lord show there infinite mercies and give to me anyway even though i'm so ugly and ashamed. It heals me to know even though I don't deserve anything I have received many blessings. And, there's nothing I can do to be worthy of such unconditional love. But, I gotta def start playing my healer class more often God love those who help themselves. The hater class is the worse class. It might be new and hard to cast buffs when thinking about what you need but just think about how to counteract the debuffs first. You need to be alive. Think in terms of what to heal and what to protect. Hope this helps. Excuse my weird way of looking at things. If you truly believe you have no worth. Do what I do just be happy for everything you receive because it's insane we receive. It's amazing. Like damn I have no worth but (insert something good). I settled on the fact I don't deserve anything so it doesn't make me sad it makes me dumbfounded and just happy I receive. At least that's how I've been feeling my perception leaning towards lately. Everything beginning to look like a gift. Just a tip if you decide to settle on you deserve nothing or you have no worth. Though that probably isn't the best thing to accept but I understand.

1. If you could travel to any of the planets or moons, which one would you travel to? I have to look it up again but it's either Titan or Europa that has potential for life beneath the ice. 2. Are you good at maths? Lol. No. I can barely count. 3. Are you more detail oriented or big picture sort of thinker? I am more well rounded, but I am more comfortable dealing with details. 4. If there's a fairly heavy object just slightly out of your reach on a shelf, how do you plan to get the object? I usually have a few plans, climbing is usually an option. I refuse to ask for help. 5. If you saw two siblings fighting on the sidewalk one day, like punching each other, would you do anything about it? Lol. No. Let'em fight it out. Sometimes siblings gonna fight like that. It's pretty natural unless one is trying to kill the other.

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